Weight of Lives
by orpheneritus
Summary: If you had known it would be three years, you wouldn’t have let the snow fill in those footprints. Because when you called a few days later his phone service was disconnected, and you were too proud to go around to his place.


The Weight of Lives by orpheneritus

Gakuto answers the door, hair pinned back with a slide clip and a pencil tucked behind his ear. You know Atobe didn't warn him of your arrival because he drops his papers in surprise and they scatter into the hallway. It's better this way, because there is something to do, you quickly move to help collect the papers as Gakuto murmurs sorry, so sorry again and again. You wonder if he's referring to more than then papers, but it seems unlikely, considering…

He lets you into his apartment, which is farther than you expected. The papers are drafts of building plans and parts. It turns out he works for an architecture firm, working with a team to improve earthquake stability and aerodynamics. It suits him. Gakuto was always good at physics.

You are impressed with the drafts he's drawn, impressed by his two-bedroom apartment… and disappointed, because in some ways you had hoped.

Hoped that a life without you would be misery for him. It isn't. He's happy without you, and now you've come back… and it will make him miserable.

If you were a better person you would've left when you entered the well-appointed apartment building. If you were kind and unselfish you would have seen his name in the paper and only been glad at how well he had done for himself.

But you are selfish.

'So, Yuushi,' Gakuto puts down his cup of coffee. 'Why are you here?'

That morning you open the paper and his name captures you. The aimless chatter of your fiancée spills into a silent torrent of meaningless background noise. Kanji you wrote a hundred times, maybe a thousand. A name that carried you through Hyoutei, college and numerous failed relationships until the fateful night of Atobe's New Year bash.

Drunk, elated and pressing closely together, you pack the living room, everyone dancing at what is their last party without responsibilities. Most of them due to start work with the company that would be their world for the next forty years. Friendships broken over the rivalries of schools, entrance exams and tennis matches are mended. Faces that had parted after junior high are reunited. Partners once sempai and kouhai, are equalised.

As only Atobe can, he creates the best night of everyone's life, except yours of course.

You say afterward that you were taken by surprise, that you didn't see it coming. Ohtori looks at you with disbelief and somewhere inside you acknowledge that it wasn't such a surprise that it happened, but that it happened in front of the others.

Gakuto is dancing close to you, it's one of his favourite songs. He's jumping up and down his hands in the air, eyes closed, and he's free and you want to be there with him, feeling that feeling. You clasp his hands in the air and jump with him, his eyes open and he's smiling.

The hot press of his mouth and the weight of his body collide into you. His hands wrap around your neck and he presses deeper into your mouth. Around you the others holler and whistle. Your hands connect with his chest and he topples to the floor at the violence of your push.

You don't remember if the music stopped or if the silence was just in your head. You only remember the tremble of emotion in his eyes and the racing of your heart beat. Then he leaves. The door swinging back on its hinges, his jacket still in the closet. The last thing you witness of Gakuto is the trail of broken snow left behind.

If you had known it would be three years, you wouldn't have let the snow fill in those footprints. Because when you called a few days later his phone service was disconnected, and you were too proud to go around to his place.

Instead of going to work you board the shinkansen for Tokyo. You don't tell your fiancée. There is only one place to go, one place to find the answer.

You're surprised when Jirou answers the door with a casual, 'Hullo, Yuushi,' as if he's known you were coming for weeks and not only the few moments it took for the front desk to inform him. Atobe lives in the penthouse of the Prince Grand Royal. His hotel, one of many in the world.

The apartment is less ornate than you expect, and more modern. Jirou pads down the hallway as if he lives there, then you realise that he does. He leads you to lounge where Atobe is pursuing the paper, the same paper you laid down only a few hours before.

Jirou flops onto the couch and immediately a grey cat settles into his lap. 'You were right Keigo, he came.'

Atobe smiles and pats Jirou's head. 'Of course I was right. Yuushi, why don't you have a seat, Kabaji will make us some tea.'

You are not sure what is more disturbing. That Atobe still keeps Kabaji or that Atobe owns a cat or that Jirou owns Atobe…

'I know why you are here, Yuushi,' says Atobe.

'You do?'

'You read the paper today… I'm very upset with you,' he replies.

'Why?' you ask.

'If you had shown up twelve months ago I wouldn't owe Shishido-san fifty thousand yen. Honestly, I didn't think it would take you three years.'

'So you know where he is?' you ask.

'Atobe keeps track of everyone,' Jirou interjects smiling up at Atobe.

Of course he does, or you wouldn't have come. 'Will you give it to me?'

Atobe's lips press together for a moment before he nods. 'Kabaji.'

There's silence in the room as you wait for Kabaji to return with whatever Atobe has silently indicated for him to get. 'Does he live here too?' you ask.

'That's a personal question, Yuushi, but I suppose we've known each other long enough. Kabaji has his own set of rooms in the hotel, he is a loyal attaché and an indispensable employee…' he pauses and you watch as Atobe quietly clasps Jirou's hand in his own. '…Occasionally he stays here with us.'

You have no response.

'Is that too… deviant for you?'

'I-I don't know,' you reply.

Kabaji re-enters the room and hands Atobe an envelope. As graceful as ever Atobe rises to his feet, the envelope extended towards you.

You reach out to take it. As you grasp the paper there is a moment of resistance. 'I know about your fiancée, Yuushi. Tell me you have something to offer him.'

You stare silently at your former captain.

'Well then,' Atobe sighs. 'Please take some time to think about it before you go over there.'

It is strange that Atobe's concern for Gakuto is so deep. When last you were together there was no special connection between them. A sense of dread and fury overcomes you, as you are lead to the door. You pause. 'Tell me Atobe, was Gakuto ever your… guest?'

'That,' he replies coldly. 'You do not have the right to know.'

The jealously that burns in your gut is unexpected, you clench your hands, they're trembling.

Atobe hands you your coat. 'You could've had him, but you were too scared,' he says coldly. 'Few people have the courage to make the choices that I have done. Everything I have now, I had to rebuild… I had to be willing to lose the people who wouldn't accept. If you don't want Gakuto enough to do that then I advise you to go back to Osaka and file that envelope away with your Hyoutei year book… You can hit me if you want Yuushi, I understand how much the truth can hurt.'

You open the door with a little more force than necessary, you are ready to close it behind you forever, but you've already made that mistake once. 'Atobe,' you say pausing in the doorway. 'Thank you for being a friend to him.'

His hand rests momentarily on your shoulder. 'We are friends too, Yuushi. If we weren't I wouldn't tell you these things.'

You have hours before even entertaining the possibility that Gakuto might be at home. Your phone has rung more than five times, you know who it is and you know it is wrong to make her worry, but still you let it go to voice mail.

Atobe's words stay with you. Was it possible to give up everything without even judging how Gakuto might feel? Or maybe, knowing Atobe, the point was to offer without knowing the outcome. But you don't take impossible risks, only calculated ones.

And even if you had nothing more than an apology to offer, he at least deserved that much from you.

At eight o'clock you knock on his door.

'I saw your name in the paper,' you say as if it explains your sudden presence after three years.

He smiles. 'Did you like the building?'

You nod even though you hardly remember the photograph, you didn't know at the time that it was pertinent information.

'One of the tallest in the world, I helped with the design… You're staring, Yuushi, do I look that different?'

He does. You find it hard to speak. 'Your hair…' you say quietly.

Gakuto's hand unconsciously touches his own locks. Gone is the angled fringe you remember so well, his hair now touches his shoulders. 'It must seem sudden to you.'

'It does,' you reply. 'Other things too… still short though.'

Gakuto laughs in surprise and you're glad he is not defensive. 'We should have dinner,' he says suddenly, cheeks slightly flushed. 'Old friends deserve dinner.'

'And beer,' you interject even though you know you deserve much less than he is giving you now.

'And beer… but I don't have any,' he frowns.

'I'll get it,' you say gratefully, you need a moment to step away from the turmoil, even when it's a happy turmoil.

Gakuto nods bending over to look into the bottom cupboards. 'Bring back some yakisoba too.'

He's making your favourite ramen.

Around the corner from the apartment building you stop to phone her. It's been nearly a full day and you haven't answered any of her voice mails. It's cruel and she deserves much better. 'Nozomi?' you say as she picks up the phone.

'Yuushi,' she cries in relief. 'I was so worried, when they said you didn't come into work—'

'I'm sorry, Nozomi, I should've phoned you when I got on the shinkansen—'

'Shinkansen… to where?' she asks.

'Tokyo, I'm in Tokyo. There was a defective train and I had no reception…' Your explanation is weak, but you know Nozomi well and love her for her gentle naiveté.

She is immediately reassured. 'How awful,' she says, your instant advocate. 'They should really stop cutting the public transport budget, anyone can see how much these cuts are effecting the services—'

Nozomi would soon be lobbying the public transport commission if you didn't interrupt. 'Nozomi,' you laugh in exasperation. 'I have wonderful news…'

'Why didn't you say, Yuushi? Letting me rattle on… what is it?'

'I've found Gakuto…'

'Oh, Yuushi,' she pauses sweetly. 'I'm so happy for you, I know how much you've missed him.'

'I got a lead this morning, and I just left, I'm sorry…'

'He's your best friend… I understand.' And she does. Nozomi always understands and always forgives.

You tell her you'll call again tomorrow.

'That's a lot of beer,' he comments as he takes the bags from you.

'Only for someone who can't hold his drink,' you remark. He sticks out his tongue childishly in response. 'Smells good, is that desert?'

You step in close behind him and peer over his shoulder. His body is only a heated inch apart from yours and the scent is thick in your nose. Gakuto clutches the mixing bowl close to his chest. 'Maybe,' he replies slapping your hand away.

'So domestic,' you murmur quietly. 'I like your apron.'

The ramen fills your stomach with heat. It's the best ramen you've ever had. By your third or fourth beer you are laughing loudly at Gakuto's impressive impersonation of your former coach Sakaki. He says 'second tier player' with just the right measure of snobbery and derision.

'You proved him wrong, Gakuto,' you say remembering how Sakaki's words had crushed him at the time.

'I did, didn't I?' he smiles.

'You always got the better of people, Gakuto, always… remember our first fight?'

His empty beer bottle topples to the floor as he jumps to his feet. Pushing his pretend pair of glasses up his nose he crosses his arms in a near perfect imitation of you. 'Tell me, Mukahi-kun, why can't you stop dropping your elbow?'

'I take it you thought I was a prick.'

'I think I said you were a prick.'

'You did… and then at the next practice you whacked me in the face with your elbow… high enough for you now, Yuushi?'

Gakuto sits back down, a closer to you than before. 'It never did heal perfectly straight…'

'It did so!' you exclaim. 'My nose is perfectly straight.'

'Nope,' he shakes his head. 'It just has the smallest bump… right here.' His finger rests upon the bridge of your nose.

'Everyone has a bump there, Gakuto,' you reply quietly.

'No they don't. I don't.'

You draw your finger down the line of his nose. 'No… you don't. You're perfect.'

His breath puffs softly against your cheek. 'I'm not perfect. I'm… I don't know what I am, Yuushi. I'm horrible.'

'Why would you say that, I don't think that,' you reply letting your arms settle around his shoulders.

'I know, Yuushi… I know.'

'Know what?' you ask.

Gakuto shakes his head, eyes cast down. 'I k-know that you don't want me and I know you're getting married… I know but… but I still want you. I still want—'

You press your lips fiercely against his. Gakuto stiffens in your grip and you're terrified he'll pull away, but he doesn't. He melts into you, his chest falling into yours, his arms gripping your shoulders. He's crying, or maybe your crying, you don't know. His hands slide madly through your hair and you tug at the bottom of his shirt trying to pull it over his head.

'Yuushi,' he whispers as you press him down to the ground. 'Are we mad?'

'Crazy,' you reply.

You try to remove his clothes without breaking the touch of your skin against his. Your erection straining the front of your pants ad you can't help but groan as Gakuto grabs at your ass trying to inch your pants down over your hips.

'Wait, wait,' he pants rolling onto his stomach and trying to wriggle away. As he inches forward across the floor you grab the waistband of his pants and shorts and pull them down his legs. 'Yuushi,' he laughs rolling over to free his legs, but you are mesmerised by the sight of his straining cock.

You are naked and Gakuto is naked and you realise that you don't know how to make love to another man.

'Yuushi—' Gakuto grabs your face. 'You're freaking out…'

'…'

'I know that face, Yuushi. I caused you to invent that face. Come here…'

Gakuto helps you up and you follow him into his bedroom, ignoring the fact that you must look ridiculous, striding across a room with a swinging erection…

He pushes you onto his bed and throws himself beside you. 'I won't be made if you change your mind,' he says.

'Gakuto, I don't know what I'm doing… it's different then… it's different.'

Gakuto's hands press against your chest and push you back into the pillows. 'You're going to love it,' he says as he slides down your chest. You're quivering in the knowledge of what he's about to do and yet you still can't quite believe it when his mouth slides over the head of your cock. You want to watch but can't resist closing your eyes and sinking into the intensity of it, the feel of his lips and tongue the spread of his hair across your belly, the drift and caress of his hands shadowing over your sac.

'Gakuto,' you warn him urgently, your fingers twisting in his hair. You are on a knife's edge only moments away from losing control. He eases back gently and with a slick and satisfied smile crawls up your body, until you rest nose to nose.

'Did you like it?' he asks with a smirk… and you are obliged to wipe that smirk from his smug face.

You let Gakuto guide you, let him show you how to prepare, how to make him feel good. But sliding your fingers into his entrance is nothing compared to the feeling of pushing your erection inside of him. Feeling the tightness press against you and the tremble of his back against your chest, and the heat of body join with yours.

His legs quiver as you begin to rock into him, gripping him to your body. His breath is as unsteady as your own, his voice trembles and you realise he is calling your name. Your thrusts become more uncontrolled and you struggle to support his body as well as your own. Your hand slips on the slick skin of his hips and you topple forward driving into him with a cry of release.

His eyes are closed and he rolls into your chest. You are both slick with sweat and Gakuto is sticky with his own release and you love him. With one arm you pull the blankets up around you, Gakuto is beginning to shiver from the cold. His body resting against your side. The rise and fall of his breath a gentle press against you, the weight of a life.

'Have you always loved me like this?' you ask.

'Always.'

'What are we doing?' you ask.

'I don't know what this is for you Yuushi, but I'm exactly where I should be.' His arms pull you in closer.

'I'm getting married.'

'I know.'

'She's expecting… we're expecting…'

He kisses you softly, lips shaking with his hard breaths. 'Whatever you choose Yuushi, promise me we won't be parted like before.'

'We won't.' The promise is easy to make, because you know that you couldn't live without Gakuto.

You know this like you know that you will return to Nozomi tomorrow. Return to her and marry her as you promised. And at your earliest opportunity gravitate back to Gakuto, even when you know that you shouldn't. You can see your tangled future spread out before you spiralling steadily into ruin as you balance the weight of the those you love and inevitably fail.

And still, you would choose it. 'Gakuto,' you whisper. 'Could you bear it?'

His arms run firmly over your shoulders and clasp around your back. 'I'll be your best man.'


End file.
